By: Andrue/Voupie

People have always talked about having a “Gaydar” and I'm no stranger to it myself. For anyone not familiar, a gaydar is someone's ability to accurately assess the sexual orientation of others. Written out like that it's kind of weird, but to be honest the concept IS kind of weird. Over the years many things have alluded to homosexuality or queerness in general. Things like crop tops on men did not always insinuate homosexuality, but under current context people will definitely think you're gay. Or Harry Styles.

I'm really interested in this whole gaydar thing, especially as it pertains to evolution over time. As I mentioned before, certain things make you look gay or are evidence of straightness. These are not rigid rules, but instead guidelines, put together by each individual person. There are trends, though. There are things that most people tend to interpret as gay or indicating straightness. I wanna talk about these things specifically through three different lenses. I want to immediately preface by saying that I am writing this as a gay man and as such want to write from a perspective I feel educated speaking from. These perspectives include:

• Guy-to-Guy
• Girl-to-Guy
• Gay-to-Guy

Interestingly I think that a lot of what is interpreted as gay or not gay has a lot to do with gender expression. The two are definitely tied, which was probably obvious considering it's relating to sexual orientation which is also really tied to gender. Things are feminine, masculine, androgynous, or some mix of these qualities. The amount of masculinity, femininity, or androgyny certain things exude is also not static over time. It is also worth mentioning that some things are gay to one person and not gay to another, it's all really subjective. In the end I found that most of the time people are looking for feminine qualities when trying to deduce a man's sexuality. This is no surprise, though. There are such different attitudes towards masculine lesbians and masculine gays. This is opposed to feminine qualities and identities that oftentimes are at the end of shame and the most violent of homophobia. Western culture is obsessed with humiliating the feminine, I mean the whole “gay son or thot daughter” thing is a reflection of this. It’s all misogyny.

Misogyny drives homophobia and I feel like we don't talk about it enough. Traditional gender roles are being instated in gay relationships, and this is most apparent on social media. So many people like to separate out gay guys and queer men as tops and bottoms and attribute all sorts of things to that. I'm sure a lot of it is well intentioned and even a little bit funny but at the end I implore you to consider whether these are unique stereotypes and opinions on queer identities or if it's simply repackaged misogyny and toxic masculinity. I'm looking at all the passenger princess bottoms and all of the tops that pay for every date.

Another thing that comes to mind is the social stigma around being a top or bottom. In some cultures it is actually important whether you are the top or the bottom for matters of family pride. By that I mean your parents might ask whether you're the top of the bottom and they're hoping that you say top. It's almost as if enjoying the pleasure that comes from bottoming or being penetrated is inherently wrong and demeaning. As Mickey from Shameless said though, "I'm not a bitch for liking what I like”. Everyone knows that it's more scary to bottom anyways, and they go through way more to make it happen. I want to make an effort to call out posts online that simply repackage misogyny or gender roles with cute boys. I think it's really harmful both for the straight people still building their perception of queer people as well as young or inexperienced queer people who are building their perceptions of queer relationships and themselves around the dynamics they see online. Calling out these traditional gender roles also helps women as they are subjected to the same characterization.

Queer people and women have a lot to gain by calling out homophobia and misogyny as the two are inextricably tied. Girl, if your man is homophobic then he's probably misogynistic too. Save yourself the time, be an ally, and call it out or get out of there. Similarly, I think that with gay men there is almost too much comfortability when it comes to conversation. They think that it's appropriate for them to call women bitches, to comment on their bodies, to use excessive AAVE which they largely have black women to thank for, or even to comment or ridicule a woman for her sexuality/sexual activity. Gay men need to remember their place as men and that while in a way they are also detrimentally affected by misogyny, they are not exempt from contributing to it. Additionally, it is hard to build allyship between queer people and women when one group feels like they don't fully have the respect of the other. Be a better ally, and we might see improvements in the way that everyone is treated.

While the witch hunts in which people desperately try to guess the sexuality of another person does not always come from a place of malice, oftentimes a substantial amount of social harm is done. People may try to pick apart the sexuality of another person simply for the sake of entertainment, for gossip, or out of curiosity. If it doesn't really pertain to your life, like you're not intending to date this person and it is irrelevant to your own relationship with another person, I'd say it's not really your business to know. A lot of times a queer person will either hint at their identity when they're ready or it'll just be apparent when they go on social media posting pictures with their significant other or something. I think the takeaway is that if a person really wanted you to know their sexuality or even their gender identity, they would tell you. If they're not telling you, then there's likely a reason behind it. Maybe they're insecure or they simply don't think it's relevant for you to know. I hate that if you do not explicitly state your sexuality then there's often a lot of speculation which in the end is just gossip, people talking behind your back. I say that we call men guys until proven gay. That being said, let's get into the first of the 3 perspectives I’m going to cover, straight men analyzing the sexuality and gender expression of other men.

Guy-to-Guy: This is specifically the kind of sexuality speculation that is done by straight men. You can think of things like everybody on the baseball team wondering if their teammate is gay or teasing him because they already have concluded that he is. It can be in a work setting or even in a friend group that's not talked about sexuality explicitly. A straight man's perception of another man's sexuality is unique and I want to speak about it individually. That is because this perspective does not come from a place of attraction whatsoever. Instead, it comes from a place of curiosity, hate, or even fear. Often when a straight man is trying to figure out the sexuality of another man it's because there's either something that has aroused his suspicion to begin with or he’s looking out for his own social status.

A straight man may try to figure out the sexuality of another man to see whether being friends with him might cost social capital. I think that public perceptions are definitely shifting though, as over the last 40 years I would personally say that homophobia, while still a major issue, has vastly improved. That being said, it is still a major issue and specifically in regards to the United States the severity to which one could expect to experience homophobia varies geographically. For example, I think that it is completely normal for straight men in the southern California area to have gay friends, or even to just be aware of gay culture in general. This is as opposed to somewhere like Kentucky, where queerness often exists as a subculture. While there is overlap with mainstream culture it is notably less substantial than in other places.

I also mention fear, I think that some men are afraid of being lusted after by gay men. Honestly, valid. Men are kind of gross that way. That being said, it's funny that this is their first time experiencing this kind of fear when it's something that women experience so frequently. They may try to see if a man is gay simply to know whether there's a possibility that they're being prayed on, watched, or otherwise lusted after. So funny though, there is a big thing for straight men in the gay community for sure. There's the DL of it all, the trade, and people wanting a bi guy for straight-adjacency, which is its own whole thing. Honestly though, a real straight man is kind of gross. They're afraid that they're gonna be checked out by a gay man when the whole time gay men have notoriously high standards and while the masculinity typically exhibited by straight men due to social pressure is definitely a part of it for a lot of people, it can't be everything.

Some of the things that I think straight men watch out for is a gay voice, fashion, and posture. I know this because I have tried to hide my sexuality from men in the past before, and I feel like the biggest give-aways were my voice, the way that I carried myself, and honestly my sense of humor. I don't really care as much anymore, I wear what I want, walk how I want, and say what I want. I have the luxury of not having to be in the closet anymore, which I know is not something everybody can afford. It's not like I do not acknowledge these things at all, because sometimes it's easier to present more straight than to just act how I wanna act and possibly face ridicule or questioning. It might be a thing where you think everybody's watching you when they're really not, but honestly there are real safety concerns with being a queer person in the United States. This especially depends on where you live geographically. That being said, I still try to lower my voice a bit, I've been working on not constantly having my hands rest in front of me but rather at my sides, and I also try to walk with confidence and to stand and sit with my legs wide apart. These are all things that I've learned because either someone questioned what I was doing before or when I've asked somebody about what makes me obviously gay these are some of the things that they pointed out. The way that I dress probably gives it away anyways, but the whole thing is stupid and doesn't really make sense anyways. Men dress however these days and you can get away with most men’s fashion if you don’t get too colorful or feminine with it. I think that straight guys have the most sensitive gaydars, they are inclined towards calling something gay then defending that it's not. Let's shift gears a little and throw a little bit of attraction into the mix with the next perspective.

Girl-to-Guy: This section is going to cover most feminine perspectives on male sexuality. This can include straight women as well as queer women, though the line between gays and queer women is kind of blurry. Additionally, there is nuance to be accounted for in terms of considering sexuality from trans and non-binary perspectives. For the sake of this article and because I am speaking from limited experience, I would say that these three sections count for most instances of speculation on male sexuality. This specific type of sexuality analysis comes from a place of curiosity, because they're interested in dating the guy, for a sense of safety, allyship, or even just peace of mind.

A woman analyzing the sexuality of a man can come from a place of attraction. It's a pretty interesting perspective, as it is the opposite of straight men, rather than leaning towards everything being gay, a lot of the times they have a bias toward proving straightness. Women will justify any of the things that a does to prove to herself or maybe her friends that he's straight. Some things that come to mind are music taste, fashion, and social media presence. An interesting archetype that I'd like to throw into the ring is the performative male.

I'm kind of surprised that we've gone this long without talking about it but there's also a category of straight men that does a lot of the things that might be considered gay for the attention of women. I'm kind of hesitant to even bring this up though because I think that this archetype has made a space for people to comment even further on male sexualities and while I do think of there definitely are some manipulators that do things like drink matcha and listen to Clairo for the purpose of attracting attention from the opposite sex, there are also men who genuinely enjoy these things and now they get called gay or a performative because of it. I want to quickly throw in here that I don't want this article to paint men as a bunch of victims of the world. Men and more specifically straight men are victims of gender roles that they have an active role in reinforcing in their day-to-day lives. I think that men have it so easy in this world, but I also do think it's worth mentioning how these things affect all parties involved. With all these factors to be considered though, with both “gay” things becoming more acceptable generally and with performative males being thrown into the mix, it is becoming increasingly harder on this perspective to concretely prove a man’s sexuality without asking him directly.

Then there's the side of safety and allyship. This looks like a queer woman or a straight woman trying to find out the sexuality of a guy simply for the sake of either making friends or just to know that he won't sexualize her. In a case of queer women this could also be in search of friendships or even looking for an unseen gay friend. This perspective I think is probably one of the more neutral ones where the person guessing doesn't necessarily want them to be straight but they're still being cautious so they won't label something as gay unless they got a strong feeling about it. This perspective is pretty low stakes as there's no romance on the line and oftentimes it's not something that spreads like gossip. This is usually because women and queer people understand the need for privacy and they would rather not create another victim of homoinvestigation. This leads into the last perspective which I feel most qualified to speak on.

Gay-to-Guy: This perspective is a gay man guessing the sexual orientation of any other man. This can again be attributed to either wanting to pursue the man, out of curiosity, or for a sense of allyship or security. This perspective is unique in that it gets advantage from the whole “takes one to know one” thing. Generally, this perspective tends to lean towards thinking that the guy is gay or trying to convince himself or his friends of another man's homosexuality. There's also an additional layer of complication or rather specification beyond gayness, of they turn out to be gay you may want to know whether they're a top or a bottom. These are all things that if you're trying to date someone or get to know them that way, I would recommend you just ask but of course there's no shortage of situations that would make it impossible if not insanely uncomfortable. That leads to what gay men look for when they're trying to sniff out queerness.

When it comes to what a gay man looks for when he's trying to figure out if another guy is gay typically a lot could be deduced with just a short few glances. I think that gay guys have to have the best gaydar simply because they need a good one to survive. Typically, you can look at a guy in the face and tell by the look he gives you back whether he's trying to figure out if you're gay, or he's straight and doesn't care, or even that he is gay, but that he would never be into the likes of you. If a picture says 1000 words then a glance is an encyclopedia a minute. Some other things that can give it away is social media presence, taking a look at their friends to see if they have a mix of male and female friends, or if they're just queening out. Another thing is the language that they use, the music that they listen to, as well as their fashion. All of these things culminate into a single analysis that has a lot riding on it. The analysis informs you on whether you want to make that new friend, ask that guy for his Instagram, or whether you should stay your distance. It's both for the sake of safety and for romantic developments. Having said that, I don't think they're 100% accurate.

I think a lot of projecting happens here and in the end, none of these 3 perspectives are full-proof. It's because to make a clear analysis, which you shouldn't be doing anyways you should just ask the person if you're confused, you should be unbiased. All these perspectives have some sort of bias. I also want to acknowledge that a lot of gay men fall into that same comfortability thinking that they can analyze every little piece of another man’s presence to gauge homosexuality. They kind of forget themselves and may not realize that they're starting a witch hunt as a witch themselves. What I mean is they can discuss these things with straight people leading to embarrassment as people continue to speculate and pick apart someone's sexual orientation behind their back. I implore everyone to have a little bit more compassion and if you're a gay man yourself I would want you to remember the time where you were still in the closet; how would it feel for everybody to be openly speculating about your sexuality? Especially another gay man, then it's kind of like a stab in the back if anything. I say that, though I think that most gay men would agree there's not really a lot of camaraderie among gay men, I would more so say competition. And I haven't even gotten to bisexual men!

Bisexual men throw a whole nother’ monkey wrench into things because they make it so that you cannot just easily say that because a guy likes girls that he cannot be gay. It opens the door for more possibilities and on top of that it also introduces another type of queerness. I don't wanna be biphobic, as I feel like it is so useless for people in the LGBT community to be engaging in infighting because at the end of the day we're all victims of the same oppressor. That being said, finding out a guy is bisexual can be a little disappointing because they kind of get the best of both worlds. They can be with men, experience queerness, then still be perceived as straight most of the time because they kissed a girl that one time or maybe they're not as feminine. On top of that bisexual men also have the luxury of being able to choose whether or not they want to be with a man or woman. They can simply choose to live their life with a woman, even if they have feelings for a man. A common sentiment among bisexual men is they would be with another man sexually but not romantically. This honestly puts a sour taste in my mouth and maybe it's because I wish I had the same option as them. The thing is, I don't, and many others don’t either. A lot of the things that you would attribute to bisexual men kind of fall into that performative male archetype which makes guessing someone’s sexuality in today's age kind of a hopeless game. Well, what do we do now?

Moving Forward

I think in the future, we should not completely outlaw gaydars and I don't think that having one is a bad thing. I think it could be fun to engage in the name of curiosity, but I think that at the end of the day we have to remember that we're not playing a game, it's people’s identities and as such they should be treated with some caution. By this, I mean that I would recommend not to speak about someone's sexuality in a public space, especially behind their back. I would also say if it seems like someone is deliberately trying to keep the information hidden I would not go digging further. Just have a little compassion and remember that while it can be fun, it's not really a game. I can imagine it's only gonna get harder as progress continues to be made and queerness is accepted further and further into the mainstream. Maybe at some point this thing won't matter and it'll kinda be like blood types wear you don't really need to know someone's blood type and you couldn't tell by looking at them, but there's ways of finding out. Ask!

For reference, I'm gay. If you're gay too let me know what you think about all of this in my email: voupie@proton.me. I hope we all survive the sassy man apocalypse together.

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